4 posts tagged “love”

Two weeks ago my laptop died. RIP. So I went on for a week without a computer on my own, wishing I had enough money to get a mac. I was settled on getting a PC that Sunday, but Windows 7 was coming out and I wouldn't be able to get a computer until Thursdays. THE BASTARDS. I could not get a pc anywhere. So I lumbered thought the week, spending a ton of time on campus trying to get my homework done. So, on the 23rd I went to Best Buy to look at the laptops there, and I checked out the warranty prices. For the three year black tie warranty, it was, like, $300. Coupled with the fact that I wanted a laptop with 4 GB ram and 500 MB hard drive at the least, it was getting close to how much an iMac cost. So I said, fuck it and got the Mac. It was the best decision of my life! I am in love!

So, I found out from my pops that my paternal grandparents are getting a divorce after 20+ (almost 30) years together... Wait a minute--I need to get some Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway up in here.

There we go.

It was quite a shock to my mom, but it wasn't really surprising to me. I could sense some tension between the two when I met them three years back. I don't know any of the details really. My grandpa doesn't talk about it and I don't try to probe him. I ask him if he's okay and just try to keep in touch with him. He called me on Memorial Day, and he sounds better than when I last talked to him.

Ultimately, it gets me to thinking my attitude towards romantic relationships. I've never been in one for several reasons. One in particular is just the fear of breaking up after investing a lot into a relationship. (I am trying really hard to not get into communication research mode) Risk comes with the territory, for without risk trust is non-issue. There needs to be a certain element of risk in order to build trust. However, I just like to avoid the risk altogether. Therefore, I don't try to forage any form of close or intimate relationship. I know it's not necessarily a good thing, and I think I'm opening up more, but I still have that wall. There are so many benefits to having romantic relationships...well, in just having close relationships in general. According to several studies (I would list them if EBSCOhost was working for me), various aspects of maintaining healthy romantic relationships (e.g. self-disclosure) attributes to all sorts health benefits from lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol, etc. It also helps with mental stability as well. Just overall, one feels better about themselves when in a healthy romantic relationship.

I know most of the reason why I don't like the risk is because I have yet to really see a healthy romantic relationship in action (this is strickly in reference to my maternal side of the family as my father and his folks wasn't around). My mom never married, nor will marry anyone because she doesn't like to be in long term relationships. One of my aunts got married, but that was not a stable relationship from the get go (quite abusive actually) and so they got a divorce. My grandma didn't get married, although she lived with her "husband" for 16 years, and she refers to him as her husband. However, it was an abusive relationship as well, and has never been in another long term relationship since the age of 41. One of my uncles got married in the early 90s and still remains married to his wife, but it is really not a stable relationship. Everyone else has been doing their own thing--dating, but never really settling with anyone. For the most part, they don't even believe in romantic love.

I was different. I saw myself getting married and having a healthy romantic relationship. The more I learning about interpersonal communication (which talks about issues of close and romantic relationships a lot), the more I have faith that I can have successful relationships and eventually a successful marriage. I realize that in the end relationships with go through metamorphosis throughout its course, thus it takes both partners have to work through these changes to keep the relationship afloat.<<Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose>>

I definitely see myself opening up to the idea of dating. I have several "suitors" now-lol. It just that the only issue that I foresee is my lack of religious beliefs. It doesn't affect how I see them as people. I think all three of them are great guys in general with bright futures. Since they all live a ways from me, I won't see them until fall. So, I'm looking foward to what this school year will bring. 

Yay! So another school year has passed. It has been hell especially since I had that bad mono episode that put me out of commission. The lab tech fucked up my arm, so I had to take an incomplete for my intro to photoshop class, but I get to complete the final project over the summer, so I guess it's all good. I think I did not do so well on any of my finals, but I did pretty darn good on my research papers, so I think my grades will be okay too. I'm just happy to get another school year out of the way.

But a part of me is kinda dreading the summer in a small way. You see, there is this guy who I had a crush on ever since I first saw him in my writing for mass media class. I had to do an interview with him in front of the class, and I didn't really notice him until that point. He was (and still is) gorgeous! I learned throught the interview that he was in several musicals in high school, was in a band, and went to Russia on a mission trip and loved working with the kids there. So the guy can sing and he likes kids? A man after my own heart. Well, after that we didn't have any other classes with each other, but we would bump into each other every now and then and talk. However, this spring we had History and Theory of Rhetoric together. We didn't talk much for the most part, but towards the end (after my arm got jacked up) we really hit it off. Today, after our final we bumped into each other. He asked me if I thought I aced the test. I told him no. I know I didn't because there was an entire section that I bombed (but I was absent for Toulmin, so I wasn't expecting to do well with that). We talked a little more and he gave me a hug. Then he asked me about my arm and I told him that it was just about one hundred percent. And then he decided that he was going to pray for me, and proceeded to do so praying for good health and for a good summer for me. He also said that I was beautiful and amazing and I had a beautiful soul and a ton of other complements which I couldn't remember because I was on cloud nine.

See, I'm really attracted to him, but I see a problem. I'm agnostic and he's quite a dedicated Christian. He's not one who will thump the Bible down on you--he's pretty chill. However, I feel like the issue of religion would pop up eventually. I think he knows that I'm not religious after the first conversation we had over my arm where he decided to pray for it. That skeptical look came over my face and he said something to the extent of "Well, prayer works, you know." I'm willing to take a chance. I would not knock him for what he believes in, even if I don't believe it. I feel like religion is a personal choice and that no one has the right to force you to believe in a particular believe nor force you to not believing what you believe. These decisions should be solely your own. However, it is in the Bible that interfaith relationships are not meant to be because couples are not able to be spiritually yoked. I think it's BS, but some people feel that. I just hope that we are able to get in touch with each other over the summer and perhaps makes something happen. I'm tired of being single. With all of the stresses in my life now, it would be nice to have someone there supporting me, and just to simply have someone to love and feel loved.

On whom do you have your most embarrassing/scariest crush?
Submitted by Jillzey.

To me it's not really embarrassing or scary crush, but to some of my friends it is. This crush of mine is on Stephen Fry. I'm going to borrow a few lines from the some "Someone Who'll Watch Over Me" because I feel it describes how I

feel, "He may not be the man some girls think of as handsome, but to my heart he carries the key." He's tall, big, has a bent nose and so forth, but so what! The man is intelligent, witty, a great conversationalist, and seems to be a down right loving and caring person. In other words, taking his words from one of his monologues on A Bit of Fry and Laurie, he really is "gorgeous and high and true and fine and moist and sticky and lovely". He has that hugworthy quality that I love, at which when I see him on the TV I just want to jump in and give him a great big hug (And a kiss from me to you/ Won't you say you love me too? Damn Barney!!!). That vulnerability, that always needing to please, that being hard on himself, that lack of confidence...I just want to run up and squeeze him with all of the love you got surging though my arms in hopes that that love could somehow go through the capillaries, veins and to the heart in hopes that the love will push away those thick black cumulonimbus praecipitatio clouds of sadness and despair. I don't have that many crushes (neither celebrity nor in real life), but by golly he sends me over the moon! One can't help but to love the man...at least I know I can't help it.

Picture courtesy of fryphile. I would put more photos up, but they are apparently too big to upload.